We’re In A Band!

Episode 9: r/FeetPics Has a New Member!

In this 9th and final episode, we cover one of the most important topics a band can discuss: Hanson's re-re-re-release of their 1997 hit with "MMMbop 2.0". We also dig into the things that keep a band together, from splitting the pay equally and checking our egos at the door, to more difficult aspects like each person being a leader in a particular way and how we work to make each other better.

"Old Man Nick" returns and discovers Reddit! To his disappointment, it's not, after all, just like Yelp!. We discuss music birthdays, music news, and generally just hang out, drink some hipster IPAs, and enjoy being in a band as we near our five-year anniversary as a band.

Episode 8: 1992 was a dark year for Boy And Man Band.

In this 8th and final episode, Mike has a surprise for the band (it’s probably not a keytar, like Jase’s surprise, but it MIGHT be)!

Nick regales us with the legend of J. 4-Loco! Mike starts to feel old when he’s out-hipster’d by younger hipsters at a Bluegrass concert. Jase, once again, can’t get through a single story without mentioning his desire to fellate at least one Hanson.

We each share some of our most embarrassing moments in our musical lives, from choking on some basic a Capella scales in front of the whole 6th-grade choir class, including the girl Jase loves, to having embarrassing band members, to flubbing entire sections of songs in front of tons of people, the life of a performing musician is never dull. We’ve all learned to handle it differently, but all in healthy ways, like, for instance, Nick just never stops doing or saying embarrassing things and Jase has just accepted that he can’t sing on key. Like, ever.

We listen to Def Leppard’s new symphonic album, discuss Whitney Houston’s hits, and talk about Dwight David Eisenhower & Tina Turner’s music (she died on the same day Bob Dylan was born. Coincidence?!?! Different years, of course, that overlap, but still… COINCIDENCE?!?!?). Nick goes on to mention a whole bunch of people no one’s ever heard of who had birthdays.  

Tune in next week for our next final episode where we’ll surely discuss… something, probably. Who knows. Who cares? Does anyone even read this?

I REALLY hope Mike's surprise is also a keytar...

Episode 7: Kieth Richards’ Only Weakness: A Nude Art Book Slightly Out of Reach

No Ragrets!

Today the boys discuss missed opportunities, the instruments that got away, and concerts that Nick was too cheap to buy tickets to and now harbors deep regrets for having missed.

We all have regrets. Sure. But what if those regrets turned you into an old, fat, stuttering, rambling bald man who sits when he pees and who thinks listening to Fox News is an adequate substitute for a personality? Or what if those regrets made you into a bearded hipster twink in a middling cover band who buys records because they sound "warmer"? Or maybe those regrets made you into a skinny-fat gym teacher who listens to Spotify with ads, can't figure out how to save a photo on his phone, and buys expired beer because it's cheaper? Well, saddle up, because that's what happened to these poor unfortunate souls (please don't sue us, Disney).

Jase obsesses over AI, paperclips, and information hazards, while Nick can't finish a thought because his fellow podcasters are absolute bastards whose only goal is to distract him from his point. Mike spends five minutes trying to demonstrate what a particular cymbal sounds like. Yep. That's entertainment, folks: Terrible onomatopoeia on a terrible podcast. No, it gets better: Nick sings an entire Dio song a capella. 

Sinead O'Connor, evidently, is the new lead singer for the Dave Matthews Band ever since the violinist violated the saxophone...er? Saxophonist? Whatever they're called. Hologram B.B. King performs, but spends the whole show testing his blood sugar and administering the correct dosage of insulin. Still, he manages to play more music in two blurry, diabetic, short-of-breath, comatose notes than Jase has every played in his entire life. Respect (pounds chest).

Sandy Wesserson returns with... a Panera Bread ad? We aren't sure, exactly, but he pays for the ad space, so we run them.

For three guys that get paid only in sausages and politics, whose wealth is measured in Gran Turismo 7 credits, and who can't get laid despite their four-inch girth, the boys are back week after week with nonstop entertainment straight from their mouth holes to your ear balls!

And yeah! Where ARE the William McHenry assassination conspiracy theories?!?!*

*(Who the f*** is William McHenry?)

Episode 6: The Impending Waco-style Electric Jackhammer Standoff & Diners with Fake Water money

Politics, amirite?

Join us while we explore a wide variety of topics; all sure to keep our FBI guys on alert and sure to ruin any chance of running for office in the future. Nick continues to be an old man, Jase continues to have a suspiciously overt crush on Hanson, and Mike continues to put together a spreadsheet of replacement band members in case we let him down one more time. Just ONE more time...

So...

You live in a studio apartment and your best bud comes over, drinks all your beer, and then pisses with the door open. Is that sound something that makes you want to order chicken and waffles at 2:00 in the morning? Well, come hang out with us as we devise a rating system for the diners we visit after our gigs! Experience our highs and lows; extra sausage that creates an incident or the time we almost died trying to split a check. Hear about Mike’s $16 gold-plated omelette and the time Nick ordered and egg salad sandwich and was asked how he wanted his eggs cooked. What?

Jase doesn’t want Andy Dick levels of fame. Later, we’re joined in-studio by a special guest sponsor; a local business owner with a great deal for you! We spend 26 minutes discussing George Santos’ sins and how Hunter Biden is our pick for president (date to be determined) and delineate how reptiles differ from amphibians (hint: dragons lay eggs).

All this and more on our 6th and final* reunion episode!!

*Not final... Probably. ... Maybe.

Episode 5: John Trepucci’s weird, slanty frets.

My fingies hurt!

In this final* reunion episode, the boys discuss how Venn diagrams are evil. They shed light on the process of building a setlist; how they manage the songs' energy levels from the first song of the night (when people are sober, bored, skeptical, and critical) to the last song, where they can pretty much play the Lamb-chop song over and over and have the audience eating out of their hands while they've got them by the balls. Try not to picture the last sentence. Make a Venn diagram, if you must.

They discuss how digital streaming services have ruined the art of the "secret track," but they've also reduced the number of useless "noise" tracks (I'm looking at you, Tool's Aenima...) and how Mike's ultra rare collection of Jaguar XJ220s are a message to Jase: STOP BEING POOR!!!" It's important to note that this advice didn't magically make Jase able to afford his own Jag.

Nick. ... (I could have sworn there was some reason to mention Nick...)

They address the Ed Sheeran & Marvin Gaye estate copyright infringement lawsuit. Hint: They're not lawyers and they're hardly musicians, so it's unbearable to listen to. Jase nearly chokes to death, but first, he has a big surprise for the boys! You'll learn how Nick is secretly an old man who only buys expired beer and calls it "insta."

Jase doesn't know how to let a joke die, and everyone cringes every time he speaks. They guys consider firing him due to his inability to play the simplest guitar riff that he's never been able to play. But fear not! There's a spreadsheet full of replacements at the ready. Just think - once he's not on the podcast, you won't have to hear about Hanson ever again!

Nick. ... Just... Nick. Oh! They boys FORCE Nick to play a Rush song before he's ready. Is that a crime? Probably. Is it a sexual crime? Maybe, in a way, but the other things we do to him probably definitely are. He's well-compensated, though, so it's hard to feel sorry for him.

*NOTE: This is not actually our final episode... I mean, unless we die between when this is published and the next one. Unlikely, but possible, especially considered the odds are tripled due to there being three of us. Did anyone consider that?!?! Try not to be too disappointed or surprised, I guess is all I'm sayin'. People die all the time unexpectedly. Why would we be special? You need to seriously consider your worldview if you just ASSUME we'll still exist to provide endless hours of peak entertainment for your earballs in perpetuity.

Paid for by the "Vote Sandy Wesserson" PAC and Ear Sausage Studios.

Episode 4: When we were young and impressionable - bands we got boob to & music that made us who we are

In this episode, the boys finally determine if Metallica’s St. Anger is the best album of all time across the multiverse or just basically the best music that the human race can deliver in this current timeline. Hint: Yes.

Who touched their first boob listening to Dave Matthews Band? Third Eye Blind? Who touched their first boob listening to whatever band Mike said? You’ll have to listen to find out! Speaking of touching boobs, Jase gets turned on. But not sexually. Well, yes, sexually, but also not sexually. It’s complicated. Sexually complicated.

Mike talks about his discovery that he's his own independent human and confesses his childhood crimes to a captive audience, against his FBI guy’s advice and is promptly detained by police. More beer for the rest of us, I say! Before he is arrested, however, he teaches us about Gibson guitars, PAF pickups, and Green Day’s pre-fame albums.

Presidential candidate Sandy Wesserson returns in hopes of garnering a few more votes: Justice for front axels! We also discuss Millard Seymour Hoffman’s critically acclaimed supporting actor role in Dred Ragon.

From pirating music to our primitive and recent musical inspirations, the guys discuss the gamut of their early musical influences. There are a lot of surprises, too, from Nick’s love for NWA and indie music to songs that got Jase through his deployment to Afghanistan, to Mike’s video game music history. They also discuss their musical listening habits in the age of Spotify.

Guy, I heard you talking shit about Hanson behind my back when I went to the bathroom. By the time you read this, your tires will have been slashed. Also, for some reason I’m typing this: “Straight Outta Condom: The NWA Drive-Through Experience of a Lifetime.” Idea for a film, maybe?

 

Pre-Fame Albums Mentioned in this Episode: 

• Green Day’s “1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours”: https://youtu.be/3tSSNahGRJE
• Hanson’s “Boomerang”: https://youtu.be/4OpbvooBmAE

Episode 3: Sandy Wesserson has a plan to eliminate menacing road whores.

In this episode, we tackle important topics like, “How much hair is too much hair… on your feet?” and, “Nick’s victorious emergence from his mad beef with a middle-school band nerd dude” [sic], and we discuss our first bands. We play a drinking game where we take a shot every time Nick mentions Neal Peart (Hint: We nearly die. Don’t do this at home; we can’t afford the liability) and discover Rush is nothing more than a pile of skeletons and decaying meaty bits (Limbaugh, not the band Rush; or, at least, not 2/3rds of the band Rush. R.I.P., 1/3rd of the band Rush, whatever your name was). 

Jase discusses his spelling error-free manifesto and confesses his willingness to beat off a guy when he’s blue. Insert something about Mike here. Nick and Jase discover they both spent time playing in Christian bands. Jase said he loves Jesus Christ, but Jesus said that while he likes Jase, he doesn’t like, LIKE like Jase and thinks it’s probably best if they just stay friends. Jase temporarily mutes notifications from Christian Mingle while he processes this rejection. 

Start this paragraph with a sentence about Mike. Add another Mike-related sentence. Finally, we question why man-of-the-world, well-traveled Jase wastes his time with provincial-ass nobodies like Nick and Mike. We bring back the wows bigger and better than ever with “Wow wow. Wow wow wow 2: Judgement Wow” (produced by Michael Bay, of course, because James Cameron had far too many …sexual… requirements to do the film and frankly, none of us knew how to convert US dollars into the strange currency required to satiate his …exotic… appetites).

So, in conclusion, please don’t sue us, James Cameron. 

Episode 2: Wow wow, wow wow wow.

High off the immeasurable success of our first podcast episode, we continue with that frantic momentum by discussing tuning our instruments to the universal frequency (A=432Hz, duh!), how Mother Gaia is actually a man, and how we grew into our various roles as a band. Jase does the whole podcast all boned up because he can't figure out how to turn off his hardpore corn. We discuss our first R4C gig, read some musicians' classified ads, argue about drum stick sizes (while Jase watches corn, of course), and learn that Mike is so rich that he can afford stairs, earning him the title, "Mr. Fancy-Pantsy-Richy-Stairsy-Boy." Also, what does it mean to 'boff?' Maybe you'll find out! (Hint: No, you won't find out).